From a very young age, my relationship with men has always been strained. I am unbearably cynical, an extremist with emotions. Initially, due to daily mental manipulation exhibited by my molester, then later solidified by being kicked out twice by the same family member. Though it wasn’t until my mid twenties that, at the time, my grandfather was left with no other logical choice but to pick up the pieces.

As the only male figure left standing in my life, I looked up to him. (More so when the cancer came back.) He was my source of wisdom, logic, and expressions of love. On Friday January 13th, 2017, we lost him. From that day on, my level of independence is tested; there isn’t a safety net anymore. That realization terrified me. Am I strong enough, wise enough to lead my own life?

During Christmas of the same year, I received a book entitled, Be Here Now by Baba Ram Dass. Inspired by topics of death, understanding where you come from, and seeing past the veil, There Are No Accidents was made as an exploration and reflection on the influential men in my life, my father, grandfather and my boyfriend.